You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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