Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
