i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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