and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
