Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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