i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
