Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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