Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
