She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Boobs are out for the taking
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
