I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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