at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
