The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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