Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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