nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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