You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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