when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...