so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.