i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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