so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
two words...techno handjob
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
