she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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