remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think my moral compass just broke
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