I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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