i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
