filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
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You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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