There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
