Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
