Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's Friday. Sex?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
