On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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