I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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