its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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