I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize