DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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