Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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