So drunk its hurt
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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