Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
