is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
