Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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