When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
