I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
