at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
