it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
