There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
