Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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