At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
