Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
