Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
