I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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