I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
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I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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