I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
