she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize