I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize