I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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