Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
