My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
