My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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