So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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