12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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